October 24th, 2005

Current Music: garbage - lover's box Subject: Memorable experience.... Time: 02:34 pm Current Mood: uncomfortable

So yesterday was yet another in a long line of decisions I've made that reaffirm my suspicions that at heart I am a demented fuck. It was for money mind you, not that that justifies my actions, but it is the main motivation for my behavior...enough stalling...I actually walked on someone for money. Ridiculous....insane....unbelievabe...the things that people are willing to pay for. I mean the actual event wasn't that meaningful. I just had to keep my balance for a bit and kept getting off him so he could catch his breath but what was truly disturbing was his face. Beet red and intense while I stood on him and crushed the breath out of him. I'd stand on his stomach and try to pad up and down his chest and stomach, making little circles and moving side to side. After a few minutes he asked me to bounce up and down on him. Harder he said...jump. I kept asking him if he was alright and he'd nod. Whenever the weight was too much for him he'd say that's enough and I'd wait till he gave me the go ahead to continue but that look... An eerie twinkling gleam of excitement, fright and anticipation. Gives me the shudders just thinking about it. That bothered me and of course the whole putting my barefeet on somebody's face thing was a bit odd as well. I mean ugh. That...was so weird. God I'm a freak. I thought I wouldn't dwell on it that much, that I'd take the money and just move on without a second thought but it is still with me. So many thoughts keep going through my mind like what if I had hurt him seriously? Like enough to kill him? No jury in the world would believe he asked me to do that. No one would believe that he'd actually pay for that and further more that he enjoyed it. I'd be in jail for the rest of my life labeled as some psychopath and for what? A miniature caricature of Benjamin Franklin? Lord I need a job...IMMEDIATELY!!!

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October 17th, 2005

Subject: It's up and working!!! Time: 03:44 pm Current Mood: cheerful

Maybe the mystery of why Schnucks is discontinuing chai will never be solved, maybe it's as simple as it isn't selling as well as they would have hoped. All I know is the website is up and working which means I can still get my future chai eventually....WHOOOOOA HOOOOOO! (sitar plays gently in the background as I click my finger symbols together and slowly camel undulate out of the room)

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October 11th, 2005

Subject: Pacific Chai Mystery Time: 02:23 pm Current Mood: accomplished

So awhile back keki got me hooked on Pacific Vanilla Chai and I've been buying a bag faithfully once a week for the past month or so only to realize that about or week or so ago their stock was dwindling. I was overjoyed to see the discounted 3.99 label hanging down on the shelf but this week (with the help of new glasses) I realize it is not "discounted" it is in fact "discontinued" :0 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! So I bring it up to the register and it rings up 7.99 so of course I get da bag free at Shnucks WHOOA HOOOO!! (so far 3 free bags of chai) but it got me thinking... What's going on with the Pacific beverage company? Why is the so called best tasting chai tea in America by consumer ratings now being discontinued? And so close to Christmas? Further investigations of their website were thrawted by that ever mocking "page not found" html..... what is really going on? What the hell is in this tea? Crack? That would explain why I've been drinking it like water over the past few weeks but Jesus can I get an explanation????? Ahhh well...maybe the website is just down. I'll try it again and again over the next few days and maybe I'll know why it's being discontinued. If the company crashed or maybe they're just on back order or what... stay groovy!

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September 28th, 2005

Current Music: lynard skynard - freebird Subject: Up and down and all around Time: 02:18 pm Current Mood: bouncy

For some reason my moods have been swinging uncontrollably lately. I'm almost positive it's the enormous amounts of carbs sugar and fat I've been eating so I'm conducting a little experiment over the next few days. More leafy greens, 30 mins of exercise a day, and at least 1 liter of water a day to see how my mood swings. The tuna salad I had at lunch felt light and isn't weighing me down so of course I feel like doing things and my mood is pretty level. Not depressed at all actually. The next step will be of course to stop smoking cigs and maintain healthy eating with consistent exercise. And by healthy I mean getting in my vegetables which isn't easy because I positively abhor cooked vegetables. Salads are fabulous, I love em, would eat them all day but cooked vegetables....ugh. Even though I eat them on occasion it's not daily like it should be so fuck it that's my goal for now. Eat more vegetables, less beef, more water, less diet soda, more exercise, less moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I should see results in a few weeks if I'm consistent and I should be this time. It's getting cooler, so that will mean less excuses about going outside. This is rather difficult. Being a 24. I've been a 26/28 since I was in junior high. Out of high school I ballooned up to a 34 and over the years gradually lost about 50 pounds of the 408 I'd accumulated. In the past year I've lost another 60. It's so hard to believe I've lost any of it, even though when I go in stores the size 24 clothes fit. It's occured to me that I'm trying to be someone I've never been. I hear all the time about people trying to get their figures back but I can honestly say I've never seen mine. It's so strange. Just being out of the hospital I've had a tremendous amount of energy. I'm getting all the housework done cooking dinner and going to the stores and cleaning up all in the same day. All in the same evening. That would be unthinkable to me before. I'd get my lil brothers to do it or scream at them for hours to pick up after themselves. Now I just get up on my own and get it done. Seems amazing to me for some reason. Now if I could just get my moods uncontrol. Stop feeling so sorry for myself and make better food choices. Maybe I'll be able to break through this plateau and reach the next level of weight loss. New territory. Under the 20's in fact. What does an 18 feel like I wonder? What will I feel like doing and how will I feel about myself? Will people look at me different? The possiblities interest me enough to find out for myself. :)

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September 27th, 2005

Subject: s.s.d.d. Time: 04:46 pm Current Mood: cranky

Gosh I'm bored. I got in touch with my dealer who claims his man is bullshittin so I could only get enough for 2 paltry blunts of what he had on hand, which was processed seed ridden weed barely enough to catch a high off of. I smoked it none the less. But that was yesterday. Wtf am I gonna do today I wonder? Or next week.... I have only grim prospects of activities to occupy my mind and time I assure you. Time to go tip toeing through other people's journals to see if anyone else's current existence is as bleak and uninteresting as mine.

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September 22nd, 2005

Subject: Terminally bored Time: 05:00 pm Current Mood: frustrated

I heard from some random fucking day time talk show, some tidbit of information that'll be stuck in my brain until the end of eternity, that boredom is actually repressed anger. So when you're bored, you're actually mad you have nothing to do. Interesting concept. I'm sure someone got paid millions for that theory but in fact I'm indifferent to the fact I have nothing to do. I'm so bored in fact, I'm actually analyzing the meaning of words....in a published online journal.....where no one will ever fucking read it....or know I exist. Wow. I got alot accomplished yesterday. Cleaned everything I could think of and started out this morning with the same ambition only to wind up with a splitting headache in the afternoon. A dull ache from my shoulders to the back of my head. Tension headache or maybe I sprained something. Who knows. I would so rather be high than sober. I just feel better. Everything's fuzzy, not literally of course, it just feels like I'm in my own private don't-give-a-fuck cloud. Where everything is rosy and shines a lil brighter than usual. Musical rhythms sound deeper, dialogue takes on new meaning, and I feel everything but am in a constant state of bliss. How could reality compete with that? Of course I just feel like eating and watching t.v sleeping or fucking but that's beside the point. I'd rather be fuzzy headed and happily doing nothing than clear and sober with nothing that I want to do. Ah well...perhaps he'll turn his phone on soon and my high will return. Maybe I'll find something else to fill my days with besides endless housework and monotonous trips to the store. I feel like I'm wading in slow circles through quicksand, and every year I sink a lil deeper. It's up to my knees now, by 40 it'll be up to my chin, 60 my nose, and then I'll suffocate and my candle of life will be forever snuffed out. I think....way too much.

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September 19th, 2005

Subject: Weird dreams... Time: 07:47 am Current Mood: indescribable

For some reason, I was in M. Night Shamamlan's the Village this morning right before I woke up. And boy, was it ever disturbing. I mean what the hell was he thinking? Staging a damn near three hour long movie where they speak in old english, are completely absorbed in each other's emotions and every spoken word/gesture has meaning. If life were still like that most of us would go mad trying to comprehend it all. I suppose the superficial level of polite conversation is safe and accepted. Asking people about the weather instead of how they are is safer. Offering a fried sugary snack is more comfortable than offering advice. Offering a smile better than offering a untrained hand of help. "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" Indeed. I need a cig. Gotta wash clothes and clean up around here maybe run to a few stores. Anything but think about myself and how fucked I am right now. Stay superficial and shallow...depth is consuming. Depth consumes time, emotions, and spirits like a giant fucking anchor dragging you down into the dark deep abyss of inner thought. That's my new word. Abyss.

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September 18th, 2005

Subject: Back.... Time: 10:21 pm Current Mood: geeky

Back...from the abyss. Did you miss me? Do you remember me? Are you even faintly aware of my existence? Does frank talk of the sexual nature embarrass and shock you? Is blatant honesty about life in general taboo? Are open ended repetitive rhetorical questions annoying after awhile?? Don't puss out now read on!! That's right I'M BACK!! And um...I've been lookin over my journal and WHOA do I give too much information. Not that I give a fuck. I read a quote from Greta Garbo that went something like "One must never express ones joy or pain because it cheapens you inside" If free expression cheapens the soul...mine is marked down in the bottom bin of a 99 cents store. So I just got back from vacation in Myrtle Beach. Not that I saw the beach...More like an extended shopping holiday in the tourist capital of the world. It was fun though. I love being a smaller size. It's so refreshing to not be able to make up your mind because you have too many choices instead of being forced to buy whatever fits. I definitely need some type of herbal refreshment. Seedless and light green preferrably but my dealer is beyond shady. I should install a low jack in one of his golds...maybe then I could find his ass. Mandatory drug testing sucks. There...I have spoken. Somebody said Niacin from GNC works. Dunno if that's true. Anyone know how to pass a drug test? And don't say salt in the urine cuz....I heard that don't work. Oh yea I just had a birthday a few days ago. 26. Dat's one year over a quarter of a century. 4 whole years till 30. 3...0. Wow. Who'd a thunk I'd make it this far much less thirty. Fuck a doodle do.

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January 6th, 2004

Time: 07:42 pm Current Mood: complacent

So it's been while since I've updated this thing. Live is trudging along. I'm trying to knit myself a sweater, it's going along ok I suppose. I'm making it striped so I don't go crazy and I'm going to have to stop at some point and finish learning useful things like decreasing and increasing to give it some shape. The Stitch n Bitch book is totally cool though. It's helping alot. My cross stitch is coming along slowly but surely. I bought 3 more and I'm no where near finished the first. So far the ony things I've finished is 1 chenille scarf and hat set, 1 latchhook rug and 1 itchy hot pink scarf...I wish I could quit my job and just make stuff all day. Maybe my new major will be business or chemistry or something. I'd really like to own my own business. Make my own soaps lotions bath salts and oils...tre' cool. Maybe I'd be able to study a bit overseas or something. I gotta do something. Thinking about moving out with Latisha from work. Having a room mate would be better then living here with all this mess and clutter. I called out today with a sore throat and the time went way too fast... I hate my job...ugh.

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December 28th, 2003

Subject: Tis the season to get ripped the fuck off Time: 03:54 pm

I worked through all last week including overtime so needless to say my Christmas sucked and I'm completely and totally exhausted, but I find out I've been in the negative in my bank account for about 3 days now and they've fucked me with 74.00 in overdraft charges. Ho Ho Ho merry fucking christmas. Let's just hope the new year doesn't suck nearly as much.

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December 4th, 2003

Current Music: fleetwood mac - thunder only happens when it's raining Subject: Follow the directions Time: 06:27 pm Current Mood: artistic

So nothing super interesting has happened I suppose. Other the fact that I've finally learned to READ THE INSTRUCTIONS THROROUGHLY before beginning any more craft projects. I've had to buy another cross stitch after completely messing up the first one. Sorta reminds me of the latch hook I started and abandoned before I bought another one, the exact same one and finished it. So now I've got two unfinished projects, (sniff!) ugh well so now I'm off again. I get paid tomorrow well midnight tonight to be exact...Maybe by Christmas I'll be back on track and life will be well again. Eh, I suppose. I'm reminded of what the nurses used to ask those nights I was in the hospital. What level is you pain now?? I've thought myself up a new one, What's your suicide watch level right about now?? 1 being the lowest like maybe send you a form level asking you about your depression and 10 being 24 hour non stop survelliance? I'll say it's about a 2 right now. I'll fill out your silly survey and maybe get some things accomplished to ease the pain. Muhahahaha, mental illness is fun when you recognize it!

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November 30th, 2003

Current Music: luscious jackson - naked eye Subject: Lost Time: 09:53 am Current Mood: confused

I'm lost. I'm flailing in the water. Going back to work has been a hoot. LOL everything's pretty much the same. Like I wasn't gone at all. Going back to school in 2 months supposedly and I have no idea what classes I wanna take. Might be postponing it again till next fall. What am I supposed to do with life I wonder?? Such a strange gift for a man and a woman to give isn't it?? Get together in pleasure and create a life. But what are you supposed to do with it?? My younger brother's philosophy is pretty cool "Ride this mug till the wheels fall off." LOL yea I guess. I just wanna be. I wanna go, I wanna see everything, I wanna learn. What the hell kinda career is that?? Student of life, that's Gywenth Paltrow's not mine, a novel idea but not practical. Gotta pick something. Gotta make a decision. Ugh. I'm still lost and treading water in the middle of the ocean. God needs to either send me a raft or a big wave to take me under.

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November 21st, 2003

Subject: life sucks Time: 11:37 am Current Mood: cranky

Howdy. Life sucks. God hates me. I'll be back to work next Wednesday. Buh bye now.

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November 16th, 2003

Current Music: garbage - supervixen Subject: Past depression hollow next stop bitchville! Time: 09:46 am Current Mood: bitchy

It seems to me, more and more, every day, ever millisecond, I am becoming a person other people do not want to be around. And rather then be upset or saddened by this unnatural occurrence, rather then fight the good fight for my cheery disposition, my friendly aquaintances, my loving relatives, I just wanna tell them to all fuck off and take the short bus home. Reverting into my shell, and withdrawing from the world seems fabulous right now. All hail Aly, Queen of the Vicious Mutant Bitch Sloth People. Bow down and tremble before me, you shiny happy fucks. Hmm, maybe this is a good time to talk to the psychiatrist...ya think? Muhahahaha....

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November 1st, 2003

Subject: Interlude Time: 08:13 pm Current Mood: content

So I got out of the house today and went with my parents to the park downtown. We ate Lenny's down by the river the sun was warm, there was a slight breeze, life was good. They sat at a bench with my dog and I sat in the car and listened to a cd my mother made especially for me. No worries. Just complete relaxation. It was nice. It's these brief sunny interludes that make this life worth living.

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October 29th, 2003

Subject: In the abyss Time: 06:07 pm Current Mood: determined

So awhile ago I had the surgery, nearly 2 weeks now, and of course I'm having complications and not healing correctly. I've decided to purge my life of all the negative and try to focus on the positive aspects. Like gee I'm healing at least. And so far I've still got a job. And of course the biggest, I'm still alive. It's hard for me to type or to stay awake or to go to sleep or to function normally at all really. I didn't want my LJ posts to be ode's to pain and suffering so I cut as many as I could and just separated myself from everyone. I don't want to know how sparkling and fantastic everyone else's live is. I don't wanna hear about the fabulous time you had last night or the fabulous relationships you're having or any of the normal everyday hum drum stuff my friends are experiencing. I don't wanna feel that jealousy/envy. Wishing I was more apart of their lives and more important. Wishing someone besides the people who have to give a damn about me. I just gotta get my head straight. I gotta let go of this bullshit that's dragging me down. It's like I'm drowning or something. Like I'm completely oppressed by a fog and I've fallen in a hole and I can't get out. I'm all numb. Fuzzy and listless and tired of being there. Life shouldn't be like that. So that's what I'm up to. Chasing sleep, avoiding pain, trying to recover, blah blah blah. I don't want anyone to ask me how I'm doing or how the surgery went. The surgery was only on part of the problem. Which means I have to continue through life with the other half of me literally still sick and infected. They operated on my arms only because the other areas were too large. The cure would be too painful. So what's the alternative?? Continue to live this half life, this lying and part existence where I make excuses and avoid situations and try to get by besides. Well I don't wanna do that. I have to get well. Other people don't have the problem I do. Why should I be the one to continue to suffer?? Maybe the answer isn't in the reality. Maybe it's in me. Maybe I've invited this sickness and infection. Maybe I'm harboring it and allowing it to grow and take over everything. Well if that's the case I've got to be the one to get rid of it. To do something besides wish and dream and contemplate. That's why I've pushed away all the people I've come close to. That's why I got rid of all the bull shit posts and fairy tales. I've got to get better. I've got to find away. For anyone I've offended I'm sorry. But it's a matter of life and death literally, my lil life or death.

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September 21st, 2003

Subject: sigh... Time: 07:48 pm Current Mood: lethargic

After all the excitement of yesterday and last night today I'm horribly worn out and bored. I just feel like wrapping myself up in a clean fluffy comforter and sipping tea while knitting and watching masterpiece theatre. The old maid vibe is kinda sexy when you think about it. Um...not. Less typing more sleeping...(zzz zzz zzz)

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September 16th, 2003

Subject: Yippe Skippy That's Right Kitty It's My Birthday!!! Time: 03:32 pm Current Mood: ecstatic

Today's my birthday I took off from work and I'm 24 Yee Haw!! So far today, I've gotten lost on my way to the doctor and slept for about 3 hours. (BEING 24 ROCKS!!)I wanna hug everyone in the world. (except for Keki cuz I know she don't like it) I wanna play Rock the Kazba really loud and I wanna do a cartwheel down my front lawn. I am so happy right now and I don't know why.

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September 4th, 2003

Subject: cool Time: 12:41 pm Current Mood: blah

You come from an Ancient Civilization. Egypt, China, Rome... a piece of all the greatest civilizations of their time can be found in you.

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August 31st, 2003

Current Music: garbage: nbr 1 fan Subject: Like sands in the hour glass...this is the shit I'm thinking about Time: 01:21 pm Current Mood: stressed

I cannot believe how fast these weeks are flying by now. It's going to be another Monday, labor day, (which means double time and a half yeah baby!) and life or whatever this is posing as life, is getting slowly but ever so surely better. So I'm contemplating seriously on getting the lap-band surgery (for those who don't know that's the I'm so fat I need somebody to put a little band on my stomach so I can lose weight in my fat ass surgery). Contemplating so seriously in fact, that I've already called the dr and am waiting impatiently for them to call me back with an appointment date. Which I'm hoping isn't like 6 months to a year from now. Seriously thinking about changing to a morning shift but I need this damn money, it is so pathetic. I just want the extreme get there at 6 and leave a 2:30 before Evilene even comes in schedule. (hope yall could dig my 'The Wiz' reference). I'm also right now seriously trying to come to grips with my relationship with Chris. I was so ready to break up with him. Drove all the way out there to do it and as soon as he got in the car it was like he smelled it on me, worked his old voodoo magic and not only did I not break up with him, I gave him $30 bucks and punked out of the whole how-do-u-really-feel-about-me question I am so pissed! Well at least I did get a jersey and some attention out of the deal. More open ended promises and fuzzy declarations of affection. Here's a bit more detail into the conversations... (first try) aly: "Do you care about me?" chris: "I care about everybody." (a little later in the day) aly: "Will u just tell me pls?" chris: "Why u ask me so many damn questions?" (even later in the day) aly: "Are you going to tell me someday?" chris" "I will one day." aly: "Well I guess that's good enough for now." (as i slink back into my dejected corner, "evil fucker!") So now, after all of that, it's almost Monday. I need to make more appointments for doctors, get myself weighed at some point, and conserve every nickel and dime for the cosmetic surgery after the fat ass lap band surgery. I've been so anti-social lately. I haven't kept up with my friends at work, the poor few of them that are left and ever shrinking, haven't called my best friend Lydia in a while, haven't kept up with my cousins, haven't spent a lot of time with my family. Ugh, I feel like such a shitty friend, daughter, cousin, whatever right now. I wish I could explain to them u know, I'm going through something right now! It's going to be long and painful but I still love you guys and I'm still interested and I still care and hope u care about me! But it's like yelling out in the dark to me for some reason. Everything seems so foreign and unsure to me right now. I've gotta find a way to balance all this stuff in my life. P.S. To those who care, yours truly, moi, watashi-wa, Alyoo's birthday is 17 days away and counting. Nothing like self promotion baby! Stay Groovy!!

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