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Current Music:garbage - lover's box
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Subject:Memorable experience....
Time:02:34 pm
Current Mood:uncomfortableuncomfortable
So yesterday was yet another in a long line of decisions I've made that reaffirm my suspicions that at heart I am a demented fuck. It was for money mind you, not that that justifies my actions, but it is the main motivation for my behavior...enough stalling...I actually walked on someone for money. Ridiculous....insane....unbelievabe...the things that people are willing to pay for. I mean the actual event wasn't that meaningful. I just had to keep my balance for a bit and kept getting off him so he could catch his breath but what was truly disturbing was his face. Beet red and intense while I stood on him and crushed the breath out of him. I'd stand on his stomach and try to pad up and down his chest and stomach, making little circles and moving side to side. After a few minutes he asked me to bounce up and down on him. Harder he said...jump. I kept asking him if he was alright and he'd nod. Whenever the weight was too much for him he'd say that's enough and I'd wait till he gave me the go ahead to continue but that look... An eerie twinkling gleam of excitement, fright and anticipation. Gives me the shudders just thinking about it. That bothered me and of course the whole putting my barefeet on somebody's face thing was a bit odd as well. I mean ugh. That...was so weird. God I'm a freak. I thought I wouldn't dwell on it that much, that I'd take the money and just move on without a second thought but it is still with me. So many thoughts keep going through my mind like what if I had hurt him seriously? Like enough to kill him? No jury in the world would believe he asked me to do that. No one would believe that he'd actually pay for that and further more that he enjoyed it. I'd be in jail for the rest of my life labeled as some psychopath and for what? A miniature caricature of Benjamin Franklin? Lord I need a job...IMMEDIATELY!!!
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Subject:It's up and working!!!
Time:03:44 pm
Current Mood:cheerfulcheerful
Maybe the mystery of why Schnucks is discontinuing chai will never be solved, maybe it's as simple as it isn't selling as well as they would have hoped. All I know is the website is up and working which means I can still get my future chai eventually....WHOOOOOA HOOOOOO! (sitar plays gently in the background as I click my finger symbols together and slowly camel undulate out of the room)
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Subject:Pacific Chai Mystery
Time:02:23 pm
Current Mood:accomplishedaccomplished
So awhile back keki got me hooked on Pacific Vanilla Chai and I've been buying a bag faithfully once a week for the past month or so only to realize that about or week or so ago their stock was dwindling. I was overjoyed to see the discounted 3.99 label hanging down on the shelf but this week (with the help of new glasses) I realize it is not "discounted" it is in fact "discontinued" :0

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

So I bring it up to the register and it rings up 7.99 so of course I get da bag free at Shnucks WHOOA HOOOO!! (so far 3 free bags of chai) but it got me thinking... What's going on with the Pacific beverage company? Why is the so called best tasting chai tea in America by consumer ratings now being discontinued? And so close to Christmas? Further investigations of their website were thrawted by that ever mocking "page not found" html..... what is really going on? What the hell is in this tea? Crack? That would explain why I've been drinking it like water over the past few weeks but Jesus can I get an explanation????? Ahhh well...maybe the website is just down. I'll try it again and again over the next few days and maybe I'll know why it's being discontinued. If the company crashed or maybe they're just on back order or what... stay groovy!
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Current Music:lynard skynard - freebird
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Subject:Up and down and all around
Time:02:18 pm
Current Mood:bouncybouncy
For some reason my moods have been swinging uncontrollably lately. I'm almost positive it's the enormous amounts of carbs sugar and fat I've been eating so I'm conducting a little experiment over the next few days. More leafy greens, 30 mins of exercise a day, and at least 1 liter of water a day to see how my mood swings. The tuna salad I had at lunch felt light and isn't weighing me down so of course I feel like doing things and my mood is pretty level. Not depressed at all actually. The next step will be of course to stop smoking cigs and maintain healthy eating with consistent exercise. And by healthy I mean getting in my vegetables which isn't easy because I positively abhor cooked vegetables. Salads are fabulous, I love em, would eat them all day but cooked vegetables....ugh. Even though I eat them on occasion it's not daily like it should be so fuck it that's my goal for now. Eat more vegetables, less beef, more water, less diet soda, more exercise, less moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I should see results in a few weeks if I'm consistent and I should be this time. It's getting cooler, so that will mean less excuses about going outside. This is rather difficult.

Being a 24. I've been a 26/28 since I was in junior high. Out of high school I ballooned up to a 34 and over the years gradually lost about 50 pounds of the 408 I'd accumulated. In the past year I've lost another 60. It's so hard to believe I've lost any of it, even though when I go in stores the size 24 clothes fit. It's occured to me that I'm trying to be someone I've never been.

I hear all the time about people trying to get their figures back but I can honestly say I've never seen mine. It's so strange. Just being out of the hospital I've had a tremendous amount of energy. I'm getting all the housework done cooking dinner and going to the stores and cleaning up all in the same day. All in the same evening. That would be unthinkable to me before. I'd get my lil brothers to do it or scream at them for hours to pick up after themselves. Now I just get up on my own and get it done. Seems amazing to me for some reason. Now if I could just get my moods uncontrol. Stop feeling so sorry for myself and make better food choices. Maybe I'll be able to break through this plateau and reach the next level of weight loss. New territory. Under the 20's in fact. What does an 18 feel like I wonder? What will I feel like doing and how will I feel about myself? Will people look at me different? The possiblities interest me enough to find out for myself. :)
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Subject:s.s.d.d.
Time:04:46 pm
Current Mood:crankycranky
Gosh I'm bored. I got in touch with my dealer who claims his man is bullshittin so I could only get enough for 2 paltry blunts of what he had on hand, which was processed seed ridden weed barely enough to catch a high off of. I smoked it none the less. But that was yesterday. Wtf am I gonna do today I wonder? Or next week.... I have only grim prospects of activities to occupy my mind and time I assure you. Time to go tip toeing through other people's journals to see if anyone else's current existence is as bleak and uninteresting as mine.
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Subject:Terminally bored
Time:05:00 pm
Current Mood:frustratedfrustrated
I heard from some random fucking day time talk show, some tidbit of information that'll be stuck in my brain until the end of eternity, that boredom is actually repressed anger. So when you're bored, you're actually mad you have nothing to do. Interesting concept. I'm sure someone got paid millions for that theory but in fact I'm indifferent to the fact I have nothing to do. I'm so bored in fact, I'm actually analyzing the meaning of words....in a published online journal.....where no one will ever fucking read it....or know I exist. Wow. I got alot accomplished yesterday. Cleaned everything I could think of and started out this morning with the same ambition only to wind up with a splitting headache in the afternoon. A dull ache from my shoulders to the back of my head. Tension headache or maybe I sprained something. Who knows. I would so rather be high than sober. I just feel better. Everything's fuzzy, not literally of course, it just feels like I'm in my own private don't-give-a-fuck cloud. Where everything is rosy and shines a lil brighter than usual. Musical rhythms sound deeper, dialogue takes on new meaning, and I feel everything but am in a constant state of bliss. How could reality compete with that? Of course I just feel like eating and watching t.v sleeping or fucking but that's beside the point. I'd rather be fuzzy headed and happily doing nothing than clear and sober with nothing that I want to do. Ah well...perhaps he'll turn his phone on soon and my high will return. Maybe I'll find something else to fill my days with besides endless housework and monotonous trips to the store. I feel like I'm wading in slow circles through quicksand, and every year I sink a lil deeper. It's up to my knees now, by 40 it'll be up to my chin, 60 my nose, and then I'll suffocate and my candle of life will be forever snuffed out. I think....way too much.
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Subject:Weird dreams...
Time:07:47 am
Current Mood:indescribableindescribable
For some reason, I was in M. Night Shamamlan's the Village this morning right before I woke up. And boy, was it ever disturbing. I mean what the hell was he thinking? Staging a damn near three hour long movie where they speak in old english, are completely absorbed in each other's emotions and every spoken word/gesture has meaning. If life were still like that most of us would go mad trying to comprehend it all. I suppose the superficial level of polite conversation is safe and accepted. Asking people about the weather instead of how they are is safer. Offering a fried sugary snack is more comfortable than offering advice. Offering a smile better than offering a untrained hand of help.

"the road to hell is paved with good intentions"

Indeed. I need a cig. Gotta wash clothes and clean up around here maybe run to a few stores. Anything but think about myself and how fucked I am right now. Stay superficial and shallow...depth is consuming. Depth consumes time, emotions, and spirits like a giant fucking anchor dragging you down into the dark deep abyss of inner thought. That's my new word. Abyss.
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Subject:Back....
Time:10:21 pm
Current Mood:geekygeeky
Back...from the abyss. Did you miss me? Do you remember me? Are you even faintly aware of my existence? Does frank talk of the sexual nature embarrass and shock you? Is blatant honesty about life in general taboo? Are open ended repetitive rhetorical questions annoying after awhile?? Don't puss out now read on!!

That's right I'M BACK!! And um...I've been lookin over my journal and WHOA do I give too much information. Not that I give a fuck. I read a quote from Greta Garbo that went something like "One must never express ones joy or pain because it cheapens you inside" If free expression cheapens the soul...mine is marked down in the bottom bin of a 99 cents store.

So I just got back from vacation in Myrtle Beach. Not that I saw the beach...More like an extended shopping holiday in the tourist capital of the world. It was fun though. I love being a smaller size. It's so refreshing to not be able to make up your mind because you have too many choices instead of being forced to buy whatever fits.

I definitely need some type of herbal refreshment. Seedless and light green preferrably but my dealer is beyond shady. I should install a low jack in one of his golds...maybe then I could find his ass. Mandatory drug testing sucks. There...I have spoken. Somebody said Niacin from GNC works. Dunno if that's true. Anyone know how to pass a drug test? And don't say salt in the urine cuz....I heard that don't work. Oh yea I just had a birthday a few days ago. 26. Dat's one year over a quarter of a century. 4 whole years till 30. 3...0. Wow. Who'd a thunk I'd make it this far much less thirty. Fuck a doodle do.
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Time:07:42 pm
Current Mood:complacentcomplacent
So it's been while since I've updated this thing. Live is trudging along. I'm trying to knit myself a sweater, it's going along ok I suppose. I'm making it striped so I don't go crazy and I'm going to have to stop at some point and finish learning useful things like decreasing and increasing to give it some shape. The Stitch n Bitch book is totally cool though. It's helping alot. My cross stitch is coming along slowly but surely. I bought 3 more and I'm no where near finished the first. So far the ony things I've finished is 1 chenille scarf and hat set, 1 latchhook rug and 1 itchy hot pink scarf...I wish I could quit my job and just make stuff all day. Maybe my new major will be business or chemistry or something. I'd really like to own my own business. Make my own soaps lotions bath salts and oils...tre' cool. Maybe I'd be able to study a bit overseas or something. I gotta do something. Thinking about moving out with Latisha from work. Having a room mate would be better then living here with all this mess and clutter. I called out today with a sore throat and the time went way too fast... I hate my job...ugh.
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Subject:Tis the season to get ripped the fuck off
Time:03:54 pm
I worked through all last week including overtime so needless to say my Christmas sucked and I'm completely and totally exhausted, but I find out I've been in the negative in my bank account for about 3 days now and they've fucked me with 74.00 in overdraft charges. Ho Ho Ho merry fucking christmas. Let's just hope the new year doesn't suck nearly as much.
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